Today is a day that I will ever remember. Eight years ago today, my first daughter, Elia, was born. It seems sad that the time has gone by so quickly, but I can remember the day as if it were yesterday and thinking of it still brings great joy to my heart. I can remember the pain in my wife's eyes, but also the joy after birth. I remember feeling helpless, angry, proud and very protective.
I felt helpless because I love my wife and to see her go through the pain of labor was an agony to me. I would have loved to be able to ease her pain, to have the right words of encouragement, but all my mouth could utter in the excitement was "You go, girl!" (FYI: Husbands, don't ever, ever, ever, ever say that while your wife is giving birth).
I felt angry, first at myself for saying "You go, Girl!" and the scolding I received. Second, I wanted to be one of the first to hold my brand new daughter. After she was born and the doctors and nurses went to take care of her they brought her to BreAnna to hold. It was a beautiful sight to behold. I announced Elia's birth to the grandparents and shortly after I got back to the room, the first set of grandparents arrived. I was overlooked and the next people to get to hold her were her grandparents. Instead of being number 2, I had to resolve to become number 4. I was angry. This was my daughter, I was there from conception, through pregnancy, and had a front row seat to the delivery, but was neither first nor second to hold my daughter. I was angry and still helpless. However, upon holding her for the first time, the anger melted away, joy was again restored to my heart, I was holding new life, flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone.
Holding Elia for the first time made pride well up in me. I was now a father. This was my child and I have been given charge over her for a time. I am responsible for her protection and care. I silently made promises that I knew I could not keep which are in line with being a perfect father. Oh, how I desired to be exactly that for her, but I knew/know that I can only do the best that I can by the grace of God who allows it.
From her birth till now, I have experienced the births of my other 3 children and I have never lost those senses of helplessness, pride and protection. Thankfully though the anger has been laid to rest, because I have gained priority over the grandparents and made my feelings known.
All of this to say: Happy Birthday Elia! I love you! I love being your daddy.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
A Worm?
I am currently thinking of the line in "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" where the Sheriff of Nottingham is talking with his cousin. The cousin asks: "Why a spoon cousin?" To which the Sheriff replies: "Because it hurts more you twit."
I feel that my readers may be asking the same type of question in their mind: Why a worm? Well, it is a long tale which will probably take between 5 and 10 more lines to tell or maybe more, so brace yourselves.
It has been probably 14 years since I first pondered Psalm 22:6, " But I am a worm and not a man, A reproach of men and despised by the people." It is often I have felt this way, some might even label this as depression, but I feel more like King David, the author of this psalm, because there is hope in his God. For David does not stop there in the "pit of despair", but cries out to God for deliverance so that God's name might be praised and he continues to praise God as the creator of life, the one who rules over all nations, the only one who can provide the complete salvation that David needs from his most dreaded foes and thus, God has accomplished it. God has provided for worms, such as David has described.
God has provided a means by which all those who are feeling like worms might be delivered from their most dreaded foe. Whether they realize it or not that dreaded foe is God. For only by God's provision of a pardoning grace can we be delivered from His wrath. Romans 5:10 declares what this provision is, "For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." It is in this provision that I find myself, though still many times feeling like a wretched worm.
I feel that my readers may be asking the same type of question in their mind: Why a worm? Well, it is a long tale which will probably take between 5 and 10 more lines to tell or maybe more, so brace yourselves.
It has been probably 14 years since I first pondered Psalm 22:6, " But I am a worm and not a man, A reproach of men and despised by the people." It is often I have felt this way, some might even label this as depression, but I feel more like King David, the author of this psalm, because there is hope in his God. For David does not stop there in the "pit of despair", but cries out to God for deliverance so that God's name might be praised and he continues to praise God as the creator of life, the one who rules over all nations, the only one who can provide the complete salvation that David needs from his most dreaded foes and thus, God has accomplished it. God has provided for worms, such as David has described.
God has provided a means by which all those who are feeling like worms might be delivered from their most dreaded foe. Whether they realize it or not that dreaded foe is God. For only by God's provision of a pardoning grace can we be delivered from His wrath. Romans 5:10 declares what this provision is, "For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life." It is in this provision that I find myself, though still many times feeling like a wretched worm.
I am often left asking myself if I have received the pardon from God through His Son, Jesus, and I know many others do as well. Upon this intense interrogation of my self I am often left feeling much like this worm in Psalm 22:6. I have come to find that this is not something to be alarmed about, but a subtle reminder of God's provision of grace. Thus the reason for the worm. Christians should be about the business of examining our lives, asking ourselves if we love God more today than we did the day before. If you've been resting your salvation on a prayer or a raised hand, look at your life, has it changed? Salvation does not rest on those things, but only upon the evidence of the Holy Spirit working through you, and it is this I remind myself of when I am feeling like a worm.
More to come on this subject later. I think 3 days or so of thinking about this post and plenty of time spent typing, erasing, typing, erasing is enough for now.
More to come on this subject later. I think 3 days or so of thinking about this post and plenty of time spent typing, erasing, typing, erasing is enough for now.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Premises
I begin this blog with only a few thoughts in mind.
1. I am sure I will not post on here as much as I would like to think that I would. It is just not going to happen. I am a husband, father of four wonderfully energetic children ranging in age from 8 years to 5 months, full-time employee to support them which is occasionally on call, and a grad student, which does not leave much time for other things.
2. I would like to use this as a tool to increase my writing skills that I may more quickly get my thoughts out and on to the screen. Currently I have spent 20 minutes writing the above. I tend to put something down then erase it, write something new and erase it and then write a mixture of the first two thoughts. I spend most of my time deleting what I have written then actually writing and it is this I am hoping to find a cure for. Let my perfectionism be warned!
3. This is something that I thought I would never do and as the old saying goes: "Never say never", I find myself doing those things.
4. I have now turned a few thoughts into some or several thoughts. I hope that this is a sign of my brain continuing to work and flesh this whole blogging thing out. This could be my very first and last post as I talk myself into and out of continuing on.
5. I hope to be careful in the things that I write, but still honest. Specially in areas regarding theology and politics. I pray that any arguments I make may come with a sense of humility as it is not my intent to go on the offensive. If I am ever put on the defensive, I pray that my argument would win, but if not I pray I would be open to learn and weigh these matters carefully.
6. I would like those who would read these postings see a glimpse of my heart, my life, that they might know me better, and be encouraged by this worm. I am not that great of a husband, but I love my wife dearly. I am not a great father, I get angry and upset and its hard sometimes to show my children mercy, but I would not trade a one of them. They are pieces of me and I love them and value them more than even myself. I can be a terrible employee at times, just doing the things I need to get me through that long day, but it is the means God has provided at this moment to pay for the roof over my head, the food to eat and the clothes to wear. I am also at times a horrible student. If you want to measure it by grades, I have failed a couple of classes and barely passed others. If you measure it by the amount of time I spend studying, I would ask what do you qualify as studying. However, I love learning though I am a slow reader, I am no good when it comes to testing, my mind is not quick at processing information (especially in a debate or test), and I do not know when the last time was I turned in a final draft of a paper instead of my first draft.
Well, you have endured this much and I am happy to tell you that this is the end of this post. Thank you for reading and I hope to have an other one up soon and hope you come back.
1. I am sure I will not post on here as much as I would like to think that I would. It is just not going to happen. I am a husband, father of four wonderfully energetic children ranging in age from 8 years to 5 months, full-time employee to support them which is occasionally on call, and a grad student, which does not leave much time for other things.
2. I would like to use this as a tool to increase my writing skills that I may more quickly get my thoughts out and on to the screen. Currently I have spent 20 minutes writing the above. I tend to put something down then erase it, write something new and erase it and then write a mixture of the first two thoughts. I spend most of my time deleting what I have written then actually writing and it is this I am hoping to find a cure for. Let my perfectionism be warned!
3. This is something that I thought I would never do and as the old saying goes: "Never say never", I find myself doing those things.
4. I have now turned a few thoughts into some or several thoughts. I hope that this is a sign of my brain continuing to work and flesh this whole blogging thing out. This could be my very first and last post as I talk myself into and out of continuing on.
5. I hope to be careful in the things that I write, but still honest. Specially in areas regarding theology and politics. I pray that any arguments I make may come with a sense of humility as it is not my intent to go on the offensive. If I am ever put on the defensive, I pray that my argument would win, but if not I pray I would be open to learn and weigh these matters carefully.
6. I would like those who would read these postings see a glimpse of my heart, my life, that they might know me better, and be encouraged by this worm. I am not that great of a husband, but I love my wife dearly. I am not a great father, I get angry and upset and its hard sometimes to show my children mercy, but I would not trade a one of them. They are pieces of me and I love them and value them more than even myself. I can be a terrible employee at times, just doing the things I need to get me through that long day, but it is the means God has provided at this moment to pay for the roof over my head, the food to eat and the clothes to wear. I am also at times a horrible student. If you want to measure it by grades, I have failed a couple of classes and barely passed others. If you measure it by the amount of time I spend studying, I would ask what do you qualify as studying. However, I love learning though I am a slow reader, I am no good when it comes to testing, my mind is not quick at processing information (especially in a debate or test), and I do not know when the last time was I turned in a final draft of a paper instead of my first draft.
Well, you have endured this much and I am happy to tell you that this is the end of this post. Thank you for reading and I hope to have an other one up soon and hope you come back.
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